I won't name any names, but one of our children has lately taken to imagining. Not the exciting, creative, childish sort of imagining, but the big, scary, fearful sort. It usually goes like this: "Mom, I just thought about something that made me really sad." "Oh, really? What was that?" "What if (insert tragic, fearful, imaginary event)?" My response to the last imagining was to tell my child they didn't need to worry about that. Then I asked, "Do you know why?" Before I could answer my question, the other child piped up with, "Because that will never happen!" But that's not really the truth. And it's not a helpful answer.
It seems so silly to be counseling my child through imaginary tragedies. I'm tempted to roll my eyes and brush it off. But, unfortunately, I can totally relate. I used to spend a good deal of time caught up in fearful imagining myself. I would read stories of real life tragedies and think, "What if that happened to me?" Or much of the time I didn't even have to read something. I worked as a hospice nurse for almost five years. The tragedy was there right in front of me. To be honest, I almost felt it my duty to ask, "What if?" Like if I didn't then I couldn't be prepared. But I never did get prepared...I just got more and more fearful. And, as I mentioned above, "That will never happen!" was never a helpful answer. I knew it could happen, and given the vast amount of tragedy around me, knew it probably would happen. At some point in time--in one way or another. When Jackson was born two of my greatest fears were realized. I had always, always feared the death of one of my children, and I had also feared, for some time, severe disability that would leave my child in a cage of pain and darkness. I always wondered, "What if?" "How could we survive it?" "How could we continue life?"
But, by God's grace, I rarely ever ask, "What if?" anymore. I can now see how unhelpful and destructive that question really is.
When I imagine myself in the middle of my worst nightmare, I imagine the horror, pain, etc...without God. God doesn't give us future grace before it's needed...He gives it when it's needed. Honestly I can't imagine what these imaginary tragic events would be like--because I don't yet know the grace He would give. What if my child suffered a severe brain injury and was teetering on the edge of death itself? But what if God gave us a Christian doctor who prayed bracing, believing prayers that reminded us of the goodness and power of God? What if he was whisked away and I never even got to see him? But what if God gave us a nurse who was willing to sacrifice three hours of her time to push my hospital bed this way and that and then wait and wait and wait...just so I could get one glimpse of him before he left, perhaps forever? What if my child's heart stopped beating because it was malformed and his blood had all leaked into mine? But what if the doctors and nurses were so skilled as to enable his heart to begin beating again and quickly recognize his need for blood replacement? What if he died? But what if he lived again? What if he lived but had severe cerebral palsy and was never able to walk, talk, or eat? But what if the reports were wrong and he walked, talked, and ate? What if we didn't know that for months and were separated from our other two children, our home, our church? But what if God was right there in every minute and detail...blessing, comforting, keeping? I don't know the future. I can't know it. But I know my God, and I desire more and more to honor Him not in my fearful worrying but in my confident knowing. "Those who know Your name will put their trust in You." Psalm 9:10
I want more of the exciting, creative, childish sort of imagining. I want to look to God for, "More than we can ask or think." (Ephesians 3:20) And if I give into "what if's" I want them to be the sort from the middle of the book of Esther. Not only was her entire ethnic group about to be annihilated, but her life hung in the balance as well. Her cousin Mordecai, however, turns the situation on its head when he asks, "Who knows (what if?) you were appointed queen for just such a time as this?" Esther 4:14
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
A year and a half
How is it possible this buddy has been gifted to us for one and a half years? Happy 18 months, Jackson! We couldn't love you more.
"In God we have boasted continuously, and we will give thanks to Your name forever." Psalm 44:8
"In God we have boasted continuously, and we will give thanks to Your name forever." Psalm 44:8
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Monday, January 4, 2016
16 months
We had a very blessed Christmas season! Jackson had a difficult time sleeping during our Christmas vacation down south, but that provided several extra opportunities of snuggling and marveling at the grace of God to us in Jackson's life. We have always been adoring parents, and have always had some reality of the fact that our children are a gift, and life is only a short vapor. But "reality" takes on a new meaning when your child is given back to you from the edge of the grave. I marvel at the gift of Jackson's life. But isn't it wonderful that Jackson isn't the goal? I cling to and cherish his life. I love all of our kids with my whole heart. But they can't satisfy me. Jackson was a nightmare these past two weeks with his sleep schedule and fussiness! So at the same time that I'm reveling in his life I'm looking away from him to Someone else just to help me survive his life! Crazy. But perfect. There have been a few times when those who prayed for Jackson, without ever meeting him, have finally met him, and I can almost feel their disappointment! He's just another imperfect human being. Yes, physical life is a gift. But it's not THE gift. Jackson is a baby. But he's not THE baby. That's why I'm extra thankful this Christmas season. Jesus was THE baby, THE gift. He never disappoints. He always satisfies. He gave me my three little gifts and gives the grace I need to steward them and give them back to Him in the end. Praise the Lord!
Over the last two weeks Jackson progressed from a few unsure steps here and there to walking everywhere in the house. He has always been cautious when it comes to mobility. He waits till he's sure he can do it before he even tries. So I guess it wasn't surprising that he changed so quickly! He doesn't even hesitate to take off walking now, but usually still keeps his arms high over his head for extra balance. It's a sight to see. ;) He has had noticeable weakness for some time in some of the muscles in his lower legs (a common preemie problem). This has caused his ankles to roll inward, and out of alignment. The therapist decided it would be good to go ahead with orthotics to attempt to correct this, so he was fitted for those and should get them in soon. Other than that he gets glowing reports at each doctor's visit! His favorite word right now is "Breeze"--the name of his grandparents' dog. :) We do monthly pacemaker checks from home now, and he tolerates those well. He adores his two older siblings almost as much as they adore him. They are so precious with him!
In keeping with true Jackson fashion he gave us a bit of a scare this week when he woke up from a nap with a purple hue to his lips, fingers, and toes. His fingers and toes were also very cold to the touch. We somehow ended up with the volunteer ambulance in the driveway and Jackson inside getting his oxygen saturation levels checked. They checked out fine though, so we talked with our doctor at home and decided to just monitor him closely (he was acting perfectly normal). It was gone within a few hours, but we are still keeping a close eye. We continue to appreciate your prayers for Jackson. He is a very healthy boy overall, but still has a complex little body.
Mason was able to make contact recently with the doctor who delivered Jackson, and who prayed with Mason while Jackson was in cardiac arrest. It was such a precious conversation, and an obvious encouragement to him to hear how his prayers had helped us. Not to mention hearing how Jackson is thriving! He was a vital piece in the puzzle of God's loving plan for us. We are so grateful this doctor.
Since I'm a month behind on posting AND it was the holidays, you'll have to excuse all the pictures!
-Rachel for the Vanns
Over the last two weeks Jackson progressed from a few unsure steps here and there to walking everywhere in the house. He has always been cautious when it comes to mobility. He waits till he's sure he can do it before he even tries. So I guess it wasn't surprising that he changed so quickly! He doesn't even hesitate to take off walking now, but usually still keeps his arms high over his head for extra balance. It's a sight to see. ;) He has had noticeable weakness for some time in some of the muscles in his lower legs (a common preemie problem). This has caused his ankles to roll inward, and out of alignment. The therapist decided it would be good to go ahead with orthotics to attempt to correct this, so he was fitted for those and should get them in soon. Other than that he gets glowing reports at each doctor's visit! His favorite word right now is "Breeze"--the name of his grandparents' dog. :) We do monthly pacemaker checks from home now, and he tolerates those well. He adores his two older siblings almost as much as they adore him. They are so precious with him!
In keeping with true Jackson fashion he gave us a bit of a scare this week when he woke up from a nap with a purple hue to his lips, fingers, and toes. His fingers and toes were also very cold to the touch. We somehow ended up with the volunteer ambulance in the driveway and Jackson inside getting his oxygen saturation levels checked. They checked out fine though, so we talked with our doctor at home and decided to just monitor him closely (he was acting perfectly normal). It was gone within a few hours, but we are still keeping a close eye. We continue to appreciate your prayers for Jackson. He is a very healthy boy overall, but still has a complex little body.
Mason was able to make contact recently with the doctor who delivered Jackson, and who prayed with Mason while Jackson was in cardiac arrest. It was such a precious conversation, and an obvious encouragement to him to hear how his prayers had helped us. Not to mention hearing how Jackson is thriving! He was a vital piece in the puzzle of God's loving plan for us. We are so grateful this doctor.
Since I'm a month behind on posting AND it was the holidays, you'll have to excuse all the pictures!
-Rachel for the Vanns
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Sunday, November 8, 2015
November 8
Though hope was always a real, unbreakable sort of thing in my heart, I'm still not sure that I would have believed you, one year ago today, had you foretold the future and given me a word picture (or a physical photo!) describing exactly how Jackson would look, act, and be exactly one year later. One year ago today Jackson pulled out his breathing tube. (I still feel like laughing and clapping every time I remember that morning!) This morning he was chattering in bed to himself, and then called out, "Ma!" When I went in to his room he was standing up in bed smiling. Unbelievable. Still. I feel like nearly every blog post I write is some feeble, though whole-hearted, attempt to thank God for Jackson. But I never know how to even begin...and certainly wouldn't know how to end.
After we came home from St. Louis (then went back, then came home again), it seemed Jackson just got better and better with each day! But it took months before I ever felt even slightly normal again. Often his very best days were my hardest. My mind would relive...everything. Every detail would play out over and over. And the hurt just wouldn't stop hurting. I honestly don't know when things started to get better. It happened so gradually. But I remember one day thinking, "Wow. I don't really hurt." Isn't it amazing that healing can happen without us even realizing it? I don't put much stock in, "Time heals all wounds." It just isn't true. But God can heal wounds. And He can do the absolute unthinkable--to actually make you stronger because of your weakness. How is it possible? I have no idea. But He has kept me...and if you knew how low my heart and my spirit sunk in the last year you would realize--that is a miracle. A brother at church prayed this verse recently, and isn't it wonderful? "The eyes of the Lord move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His." 2 Chronicles 16:9 Isn't that amazing? So absolutely tender, and yet so absolutely strong and secure. The love of God! I am so grateful for Jackson. And so grateful for not just 9 months, or 1 year, but a lifetime of the strong support of God. "Hallelujah--what a Savior!"
Jackson continues to do very, very well. He has always done things on his own timetable, and walking has been no different. He is pulling up, cruising on all the furniture, holding onto only the smallest, flimsiest objects for support--but just not ready to take his own steps. We're just fine with that. Because this kid is a nightmarish explorer! He figured out how to open his baby gate, has almost figured out how to pull open the oven door, is drawn to light sockets like a moth to flames, and gives his mom a run for her money nearly every waking moment! (!) I feel tired just writing that! But it has certainly been a strange experience feeling grateful for every aspect of his life and health. Mason and I have joked about even feeling like, "Oh look! He knows how to pitch a fit! Isn't that wonderful?!" Haha! Of course we aren't grateful for fits, but we are grateful for the strength, the health, the mental awareness, the social interaction...every single aspect of how tremendously, miraculously well he is doing. It has been such a joy and privilege to send updates and pictures to some of his doctors and nurses in St. Louis. The work they do is indescribable in its value and effects!
Jackson is 14 months old! Thank you for every prayer!
After we came home from St. Louis (then went back, then came home again), it seemed Jackson just got better and better with each day! But it took months before I ever felt even slightly normal again. Often his very best days were my hardest. My mind would relive...everything. Every detail would play out over and over. And the hurt just wouldn't stop hurting. I honestly don't know when things started to get better. It happened so gradually. But I remember one day thinking, "Wow. I don't really hurt." Isn't it amazing that healing can happen without us even realizing it? I don't put much stock in, "Time heals all wounds." It just isn't true. But God can heal wounds. And He can do the absolute unthinkable--to actually make you stronger because of your weakness. How is it possible? I have no idea. But He has kept me...and if you knew how low my heart and my spirit sunk in the last year you would realize--that is a miracle. A brother at church prayed this verse recently, and isn't it wonderful? "The eyes of the Lord move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His." 2 Chronicles 16:9 Isn't that amazing? So absolutely tender, and yet so absolutely strong and secure. The love of God! I am so grateful for Jackson. And so grateful for not just 9 months, or 1 year, but a lifetime of the strong support of God. "Hallelujah--what a Savior!"
Jackson continues to do very, very well. He has always done things on his own timetable, and walking has been no different. He is pulling up, cruising on all the furniture, holding onto only the smallest, flimsiest objects for support--but just not ready to take his own steps. We're just fine with that. Because this kid is a nightmarish explorer! He figured out how to open his baby gate, has almost figured out how to pull open the oven door, is drawn to light sockets like a moth to flames, and gives his mom a run for her money nearly every waking moment! (!) I feel tired just writing that! But it has certainly been a strange experience feeling grateful for every aspect of his life and health. Mason and I have joked about even feeling like, "Oh look! He knows how to pitch a fit! Isn't that wonderful?!" Haha! Of course we aren't grateful for fits, but we are grateful for the strength, the health, the mental awareness, the social interaction...every single aspect of how tremendously, miraculously well he is doing. It has been such a joy and privilege to send updates and pictures to some of his doctors and nurses in St. Louis. The work they do is indescribable in its value and effects!
Jackson is 14 months old! Thank you for every prayer!
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Friday, September 4, 2015
#1
I distinctly remember counting the days...1, 2, 3, 4. Now we can officially count the years. God is good!
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Birthday countdown! #2
"As soon as I saw you, I knew an adventure was about to happen." -Winnie the Pooh
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