What if?

I won't name any names, but one of our children has lately taken to imagining. Not the exciting, creative, childish sort of imagining, but the big, scary, fearful sort. It usually goes like this: "Mom, I just thought about something that made me really sad." "Oh, really? What was that?" "What if (insert tragic, fearful, imaginary event)?"  My response to the last imagining was to tell my child they didn't need to worry about that. Then I asked, "Do you know why?" Before I could answer my question, the other child piped up with, "Because that will never happen!" But that's not really the truth. And it's not a helpful answer.

It seems so silly to be counseling my child through imaginary tragedies. I'm tempted to roll my eyes and brush it off. But, unfortunately, I can totally relate. I used to spend a good deal of time caught up in fearful imagining myself. I would read stories of real life tragedies and think, "What if that happened to me?" Or much of the time I didn't even have to read something. I worked as a hospice nurse for almost five years. The tragedy was there right in front of me. To be honest, I almost felt it my duty to ask, "What if?" Like if I didn't then I couldn't be prepared. But I never did get prepared...I just got more and more fearful. And, as I mentioned above, "That will never happen!" was never a helpful answer. I knew it could happen, and given the vast amount of tragedy around me, knew it probably would happen. At some point in time--in one way or another. When Jackson was born two of my greatest fears were realized. I had always, always feared the death of one of my children, and I had also feared, for some time, severe disability that would leave my child in a cage of pain and darkness. I always wondered, "What if?" "How could we survive it?" "How could we continue life?"
But, by God's grace, I rarely ever ask, "What if?" anymore. I can now see how unhelpful and destructive that question really is.

When I imagine myself in the middle of my worst nightmare, I imagine the horror, pain, etc...without God. God doesn't give us future grace before it's needed...He gives it when it's needed. Honestly I can't imagine what these imaginary tragic events would be like--because I don't yet know the grace He would give. What if my child suffered a severe brain injury and was teetering on the edge of death itself? But what if God gave us a Christian doctor who prayed bracing, believing prayers that reminded us of the goodness and power of God? What if he was whisked away and I never even got to see him? But what if God gave us a nurse who was willing to sacrifice three hours of her time to push my hospital bed this way and that and then wait and wait and wait...just so I could get one glimpse of him before he left, perhaps forever? What if my child's heart stopped beating because it was malformed and his blood had all leaked into mine? But what if the doctors and nurses were so skilled as to enable his heart to begin beating again and quickly recognize his need for blood replacement? What if he died? But what if he lived again? What if he lived but had severe cerebral palsy and was never able to walk, talk, or eat? But what if the reports were wrong and he walked, talked, and ate? What if we didn't know that for months and were separated from our other two children, our home, our church? But what if God was right there in every minute and detail...blessing, comforting, keeping? I don't know the future. I can't know it. But I know my God, and I desire more and more to honor Him not in my fearful worrying but in my confident knowing. "Those who know Your name will put their trust in You." Psalm 9:10

I want more of the exciting, creative, childish sort of imagining. I want to look to God for, "More than we can ask or think." (Ephesians 3:20) And if I give into "what if's" I want them to be the sort from the middle of the book of Esther. Not only was her entire ethnic group about to be annihilated, but her life hung in the balance as well. Her cousin Mordecai, however, turns the situation on its head when he asks, "Who knows (what if?) you were appointed queen for just such a time as this?" Esther 4:14