Steps

At first I thought I would title this post, "Two steps forward, one step back". Then I thought maybe, "One step forward, two steps back". Sometimes it feels hard to discern whether we're gaining or losing ground. I'm confident that we are indeed gaining ground, but our love for our little buddy combined with our overwhelming desire to be home makes even the smallest set back feel devastating. Yesterday was a lot of progress (two lines out, breathing tube out, chest tubes out) mixed with just a little bit of set back in the form of discomfort. Today was a lot of progress (all medicinal drips stopped, only minimal oxygen needed, feeds restarted) followed by a lot of set back (fluid around his lung, couple of drips restarted, lots of discomfort, feeds held, oxygen turned back up, chest tube placed). Wow--it feels really, really difficult to go backwards.

Something that Mason said earlier really helped me. He used the analogy of Charlie loving to swim in the deep end without floats. He's convinced that he can always, no-matter-what, stay afloat on his own. Mason has to occasionally give him the opportunity to get really good and worn out in the deep end just to help him see the potential danger. Mason was comparing it to us needing to rely on God. That got me to thinking about the similarities between Jackson's situation and ours. Jackson is hurting and can't understand why. He doesn't realize that the pain he is experiencing is going to result in life. It already has! We are so pained to watch his suffering--feeling almost crushed by it at times. But we know it is for his good. We wouldn't spare him one hurtful minute if that hurtful minute can help him in the end. It's just the same for us. We can't understand why God is allowing us to hurt so badly. It feels like death. But the truth is that He is working it all for good and ultimately for life. We know He is infinitely more loving toward us than even we are toward Jackson. How He must ache to see us suffer! But He loves us too much to spare the life-giving pain.

"When I thought, 'My foot slips,' Your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up." Psalm 94:18
"He will not let your foot slip." Psalm 121:3
"The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." Proverbs 16:9
Whether our steps are forwards or backwards, they are being directed, and we are being kept.

P.S.By the time I actually published this post Jackson's oxygen is again being weaned, his feeds are again restarted, and he is sleeping comfortably. Praise the Lord and please keep praying!