Thankful

I hardly know what to write when I pause for a moment to think of what I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving Day eve. I can't help but fly backwards mentally to the morning hours of September 5th when I stood by Jackson's bed for the first time. The wonder I felt in my heart when I was able to really look at him for the first time was overwhelming. There was my son. There was the baby who had kicked and prodded inside of me so much...and then, all of a sudden, not so much. His life seemed like a fragile thread of a spider's web. The slightest puff of air and it would vanish before our eyes. I couldn't shake the feeling of fragility--or the feeling of perfection. He was just so perfect. It's unbelievable, really, what happens to you as a parent in a situation like his. When I first saw Jackson he was literally covered in equipment. Breathing tube, monitoring leads, umbilical line, central line, arterial line, peripheral line...not to mention the 20+ EEG leads covering his head. But when I looked at him I saw none of that. He was alive. He was my son. He was perfect. Before I was able to leave the hospital in Columbia, when Jackson was already in St. Louis, the nurse brought me their packet of paperwork I needed to fill out. Inside was a paper that said, "Application for birth certificate/death certificate". I hesitated for a split second thinking, "Which one?" Then determined in my heart that I would fill out his birth certificate. No matter what happened, no one could deny that Jackson Samuel Vann had lived. Now, in just a few more minutes, Jackson will be 12 weeks old. Today I held him, and rocked him, and sang to him when I changed his diaper. Yes, I am very, very, very thankful for Jackson.

But what does it mean when we say we are "thankful"? To whom? I'm certainly not thankful to Jackson for living. He had nothing to do with it. I'm thankful to the doctors for their care, but they knew as well as we did that they couldn't ultimately preserve his life...they didn't even expect him to live. The fact of the matter is that Jackson isn't the end-all. We are never given gifts only to turn around and tell that gift, "thank you". That's crazy. Jackson is our gift. But he is only a gift. Jesus is the Giver. So tonight I am marveling at the tremendous gift of Jackson's life--and falling down in worship at the feet of the Giver. Thank You. You are...good.

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father..." James 1:17

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; for His steadfast love endures forever!" Psalm 118:1

P.S.The doctors have said we may possibly be discharged Tuesday.